This is one of those glorious posts that makes me feel seen. Why yes, this chaos does sound like my life, right down to the neurodivergence and the "why can't we have nice things (cute public family interactions)?"
Not that it's all bad, but when they're both yelling and crying and you're repressing swear words only because it's in public...yeah. Also when my five year old was two, he exclusively ate One Specific Brand of applesauce pouches and occasionally fries. God bless the little pagans and their attempts to give themselves scurvy.
This article could have come out of my brain. Neurodivergence, excessive screen time, chicken nuggets, barely capable of a dual-children trip to home depot, being their safe person.
We are basically the same except for the screens. They make my 6 year old go overstimulated and dysregulated so have to be tightly regulated. I wish I could use them more.
About the screens - we live in a society where we all have to contend with screens. When I am feeling bad about my kids’ screen time, I ask them to tell me about what they’re watching/doing and how it makes them feel. I tell them about my own struggles to put down screens. I let them know that there are screen-related behaviors I like to see: creation (drawing, writing, making videos, etc), learning new skills, long form content, watching together.
And if they are watching something annoying, I tell them that I hate it because it’s annoying. If they are watching something clever and fun, I tell them I think it’s cool. And the biggest rule is that if I ask them to pause or stop it for any reason, they have to pause it. Throwing a fit because I asked them to turn off their tablet may be the only reason I’ve ever taken them away. But when it’s off time, they do consistently go off without argument.
And I do tell them to switch it up if I don’t like something. I am very arbitrary about this. If I don’t like something they’re watching, I tell them I don’t like it, and they have to do something different. If I have an explanation, I give it, but, “it’s awful” is sufficient. If I’m sick of seeing them on their screens, I give them a 2 minute warning and they go off. They didn’t “earn” the screen time. It’s there only so long as it feels okay to me.
We’ve had conversations about the role of ads in content, and what the slop and algorithms are trying to get them to do. How important it is to be monitoring their bodies and emotions for signals about what their screens are asking for from them. We’ve talked about why people develop complex theories about fictional universes - whether those theories are fun, and what it means to decide they’re true.
Is it perfect? No. But I do see more of the screen-related behaviors I ask for. I figure that helping them build the capacity to evaluate and direct their own screen use has to be good for something. And they do consistently find fun and interesting content (Bluey, Moriah Elizabeth, Snake Discovery, Liberty Kids, Kidtime Storytime) and use their screens to write books or do dollhouse play (Toca Boca), which is pretty cool, actually.
If I’m not going to dole out screen usage in 10-minute increments to kids who treat it like the pinnacle of reward (I’m not), or spend my life printing out coloring pages and cleaning up craft supplies (also no), I may as well do what works for me and is honest about my hopes and fears while also being responsive to the real relationship I have with my kids.
I have been in similar chaotic times. I'd say know your strengths, spouse/extended family strengths, kid strengths, and work from that. I would hide pipe cleaners or other small quiet nice things in the bathroom so that the next time you "need a minute", you can hand the following kid the distraction and actually get your minute to regroup:)
This is one of those glorious posts that makes me feel seen. Why yes, this chaos does sound like my life, right down to the neurodivergence and the "why can't we have nice things (cute public family interactions)?"
Not that it's all bad, but when they're both yelling and crying and you're repressing swear words only because it's in public...yeah. Also when my five year old was two, he exclusively ate One Specific Brand of applesauce pouches and occasionally fries. God bless the little pagans and their attempts to give themselves scurvy.
This article could have come out of my brain. Neurodivergence, excessive screen time, chicken nuggets, barely capable of a dual-children trip to home depot, being their safe person.
We are basically the same except for the screens. They make my 6 year old go overstimulated and dysregulated so have to be tightly regulated. I wish I could use them more.
I feel this!!! Sometimes they help tremendously for my ND kid and sometimes they send him into a behavioral tailspin.
Solidarity!
About the screens - we live in a society where we all have to contend with screens. When I am feeling bad about my kids’ screen time, I ask them to tell me about what they’re watching/doing and how it makes them feel. I tell them about my own struggles to put down screens. I let them know that there are screen-related behaviors I like to see: creation (drawing, writing, making videos, etc), learning new skills, long form content, watching together.
And if they are watching something annoying, I tell them that I hate it because it’s annoying. If they are watching something clever and fun, I tell them I think it’s cool. And the biggest rule is that if I ask them to pause or stop it for any reason, they have to pause it. Throwing a fit because I asked them to turn off their tablet may be the only reason I’ve ever taken them away. But when it’s off time, they do consistently go off without argument.
And I do tell them to switch it up if I don’t like something. I am very arbitrary about this. If I don’t like something they’re watching, I tell them I don’t like it, and they have to do something different. If I have an explanation, I give it, but, “it’s awful” is sufficient. If I’m sick of seeing them on their screens, I give them a 2 minute warning and they go off. They didn’t “earn” the screen time. It’s there only so long as it feels okay to me.
We’ve had conversations about the role of ads in content, and what the slop and algorithms are trying to get them to do. How important it is to be monitoring their bodies and emotions for signals about what their screens are asking for from them. We’ve talked about why people develop complex theories about fictional universes - whether those theories are fun, and what it means to decide they’re true.
Is it perfect? No. But I do see more of the screen-related behaviors I ask for. I figure that helping them build the capacity to evaluate and direct their own screen use has to be good for something. And they do consistently find fun and interesting content (Bluey, Moriah Elizabeth, Snake Discovery, Liberty Kids, Kidtime Storytime) and use their screens to write books or do dollhouse play (Toca Boca), which is pretty cool, actually.
If I’m not going to dole out screen usage in 10-minute increments to kids who treat it like the pinnacle of reward (I’m not), or spend my life printing out coloring pages and cleaning up craft supplies (also no), I may as well do what works for me and is honest about my hopes and fears while also being responsive to the real relationship I have with my kids.
Me too to the entire article!
I have been in similar chaotic times. I'd say know your strengths, spouse/extended family strengths, kid strengths, and work from that. I would hide pipe cleaners or other small quiet nice things in the bathroom so that the next time you "need a minute", you can hand the following kid the distraction and actually get your minute to regroup:)