Co-written with actual dad and Pomegranate husband Matthew Mulrooney.
You can mow your lawn in under an hour? Wow. I wish I could mow mine that fast. It takes me at least twice that long. I have to keep stopping to clear the mower blade because my grass is so thick and lush. Good for you though. Crank that out.
Hi guys, glad you're finally here. I'm already a brewski-and-a-half in. My timing was way off. I didn't mean to get here so early—the GPS said it was a 30-minute drive but I beat the traffic and made it here in 20.
Has anyone noticed an increase in their energy bills? They're really nickel and diming us for everything these days. Ours spiked right after Thanksgiving. Granted, my usage did increase by about 700% when I set up my Christmas light display. I have over 175,000 lights strung up and an entire nativity scene made up of Star Wars character inflatables in the front yard—you may have seen it, they actually did a story about it on the Channel 5 News? Still, I bought the high-quality LEDs so you'd think they'd be more energy efficient than that.
Hey dude, congrats on finishing your Ph.D. That's so impressive. I barely even completed my bachelor's degree. Graduated with a 2.4 GPA. That's almost as low as my mortgage rate.
Here, let me help you get that propane tank hooked up to your grill. Oof, looks like I need to start hitting the weights again. I didn't realize these tanks were so heavy, because my grill is hooked up to the natural gas line. What's this, a meat thermometer? Cool gadget. My wife is always nagging me to get one of these but I'm like, I've been grilling since I was eleven. I can tell when it's done just by tapping the meat.
Did you know firefighters have rules about staying clean-shaven to allow for a tight seal when using breathing apparatuses? I always wanted to be a firefighter. Sucks that I have such a full, glossy beard.
Sorry if I didn't bring my A-game to squash today. I'm still pretty sore after winning last weekend's cannonball contest at the community pool. None of the kids got hurt—they can barely produce a splash zone—but if you've cultivated enough body mass and get enough air, hitting the water feels like hitting concrete.
Man, I'm exhausted. Having a newborn is rough. Six weeks of paid paternity leave will really wear a guy out.
Can I be real with you for a minute, guy? You're my best friend and I'm worried about you. You seem pretty low lately. You're like a brother to me, and I want you to know that I'm always here if you need to talk. If it's about work, family, whatever. You can talk to me. I love you, man. Hey, I know what would cheer you up. Come check out my new electric pressure washer. I'll let you have a turn on the patio.