Lots of good points in this post. My favorite is "empathy always illuminates possibility more readily than judgment." As a parent whose children are much older now, I remember the challenges of building friendships--both individually and as a couple--during the harried early parenthood years. But there is hope--just keep trying and reaching out and maybe focus on fewer, deeper relationships when possible. I'm happy to report that several of those friendships have survived, and one even resurfaced after years of unintentional drifting that neither couple took personally. We now go out to dinner about once a month and laugh about the "old" days.
This is so insightful and I appreciate the generosity you've afforded to all sides here. I am lucky to live in a walkable community with lots of young families in close proximity, and you are absolutely right that habitual proximity is the key to finding your village.
Was having a conversation about this with my wife today. We dont have kids, but hope we can be in a situation someday where we do. We have several couples in our circle who have young kids and I try to have grace for them knowing one day ill be in their position. I think so many social contracts have been dissolved and destroyed that calling anything a village is pure manifestation. We are at best in schizophrenic groupings too beset by our own tailor-made personal circumstances to be able to unite for common pushes. everyones working at different jobs. Starting and stopping at different times, not sharing meals, not sharing hobbies or cultural backgrounds etc. Im not saying these are the only mechanisms for village making, but they are the innate and unhurried tools weve relied on for millenia, so if they are gone we need to find ways back. As a man, I am often not trusted with important village duties like looking after children, yet whenever we were at parties I was one of the only adults engaging with the kids, always having to bear in the back of my mind, would people be uncomfortable with my behavior? Most women ive met see others' kids as a personal choice by someone else, and they fight hard not to be saddled with someone's responsibility when they live their life everyday avoiding it. The cult of the individual makes caring for another person, let alone a child, a burden.
I think a lot of people struggle with individualist impulses. It’s great to see you’re being thoughtful about being the first to jump in and model that. Fwiw, I love when people play with my kids.
One of the kindest things anyone ever did for me - a male friend of the family came to my mom’s house the night my dad died. He played with my kids for like an hour so I could sit and process. He didn’t know them well, he was more a friend of my mom’s than anything. I almost cry thinking about it. I wouldn’t worry one moment about stepping in with support as a man. I hope you keep it up!
Men need to be villagers too. Why is it always moms who are bringing meals to meal trains?
I agree men should lead the charge! I did get a very nice meal train meal from a dad when my son was born, but yes he was the only one
Lots of good points in this post. My favorite is "empathy always illuminates possibility more readily than judgment." As a parent whose children are much older now, I remember the challenges of building friendships--both individually and as a couple--during the harried early parenthood years. But there is hope--just keep trying and reaching out and maybe focus on fewer, deeper relationships when possible. I'm happy to report that several of those friendships have survived, and one even resurfaced after years of unintentional drifting that neither couple took personally. We now go out to dinner about once a month and laugh about the "old" days.
I love hearing this! Thank you for sharing a hopeful story
You're welcome!
This is so insightful and I appreciate the generosity you've afforded to all sides here. I am lucky to live in a walkable community with lots of young families in close proximity, and you are absolutely right that habitual proximity is the key to finding your village.
Was having a conversation about this with my wife today. We dont have kids, but hope we can be in a situation someday where we do. We have several couples in our circle who have young kids and I try to have grace for them knowing one day ill be in their position. I think so many social contracts have been dissolved and destroyed that calling anything a village is pure manifestation. We are at best in schizophrenic groupings too beset by our own tailor-made personal circumstances to be able to unite for common pushes. everyones working at different jobs. Starting and stopping at different times, not sharing meals, not sharing hobbies or cultural backgrounds etc. Im not saying these are the only mechanisms for village making, but they are the innate and unhurried tools weve relied on for millenia, so if they are gone we need to find ways back. As a man, I am often not trusted with important village duties like looking after children, yet whenever we were at parties I was one of the only adults engaging with the kids, always having to bear in the back of my mind, would people be uncomfortable with my behavior? Most women ive met see others' kids as a personal choice by someone else, and they fight hard not to be saddled with someone's responsibility when they live their life everyday avoiding it. The cult of the individual makes caring for another person, let alone a child, a burden.
I think a lot of people struggle with individualist impulses. It’s great to see you’re being thoughtful about being the first to jump in and model that. Fwiw, I love when people play with my kids.
One of the kindest things anyone ever did for me - a male friend of the family came to my mom’s house the night my dad died. He played with my kids for like an hour so I could sit and process. He didn’t know them well, he was more a friend of my mom’s than anything. I almost cry thinking about it. I wouldn’t worry one moment about stepping in with support as a man. I hope you keep it up!