Every Parenting Website's Baby Registry Recommendations

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Congratulations, mama! You’ve attained a new level of consumerism: parent-to-be! Don’t even think about looking anywhere else for what to buy for your new snuggly bundle of commission opportunities. Here are our top recs, aka MUST MUST MUST HAVES.

-A combination stroller/wagon/tandem bicycle/skateboard/portable drink cooler that’s compatible with your car seat. It comes in beige, mushroom, tan, and unidentifiable pudding.

-An eco-friendly diaper genie that harvests the methane from your little bundle of joy’s worst messes and converts it to energy to warm your wipes. Don’t forget to get the wipe warmer add-on, otherwise the methane will permeate your nursery. It comes in eighteen layers of non-recyclable plastic.

-This full-sized artist’s easel is several steps above the letterboards your friends are using. Commemorate your little one’s newborn photoshoot with a 36”x52” calligraphy canvas listing all their stats (length, weight, Apgar score, vernix texture, toenail width, and how many times they put the “peed” in—on— “pediatrician”).

-The automatic washcloth dampener. Each wash cloth can be inserted directly into the basin for easy and sterile hydration with the push of just one button. This dampener is compatible only with distilled water, reverse osmosis filtered water, bottled Evian water, and holy water blessed by Sister Julienne from Call the Midwife.

-The floating baby Barcalounger, far more chic than the old-fashioned high chair that sat on the dirty floor, suction-cups to any wall or table surface. The removable tray is BPA free and will emit an automatic pterodactyl screech if you touch its surface with non-organic produce.

-Those flammable outfits your great-aunt Bertrude crocheted? Burn them with sage and dress your angel in the Glorpeth Paltree eco-friendly infant clothing line made of banana peel fiber instead. Each onesie is colorfully embroidered with gender-specific slogans like “Mommy’s Little Heartbreaker” and “Daddy’s Already Stressing About My Boyfriends” and gender-neutral ones like “Future Coldplay Concert Scandalmonger.”

-Custom monogrammed Cash Burner. Naysayers will call this adorable polished copper basin a “glorified fire pit” but did they make it to Buzzfeed’s Top Scammy Motherhood Resources of All Time? I didn’t think so. Gaze into the reflected dancing flames in your baby’s sensitive eyes (through the protective goggles offered for an additional fee) while you light piles and piles of perfectly good money. Please note this item comes with a 6-month guarantee and a disclaimer in fine print that requires you to purchase an annual subscription to keep it from igniting your entire house.

-Virtual Therapy through MediocreHelp for you, your unborn child, your partner, your dog, and the UPS guy who has to deliver all this crap. Happy shopping!

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What’s the craziest item you’ve ever seen on a baby registry?

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