Get Your Kids Two Kittens

Thank you, Troll.

A few months ago, I made a wish to a troll under a bridge in Seattle for two kittens. The Fremont Troll in Seattle, a giant concrete sculpture of a troll holding a VW Beetle, supposedly grants wishes, and when I had my chance to speak with him on a family vacation over the summer, that was my wish. It would probably sound crazy to anyone who knew me and my current family situation. I have two children under the age of 6, not to mention we already had a 16 year old cat, a pet mouse, and a pet fish. Chaotic barely describes my home already. Why on earth would I want to add two tiny, untamable creatures to the mix? Even I thought it was crazy.

But a month before, after a two year battle with kidney disease, we had put my cat Teacake to sleep. Teacake had been my cat since I was 20 and felt more like a sister or best friend than a pet. I had her for 17 years, through college apartments, cross-country moves, getting married, two kids. Without her my chaotic house somehow felt empty, still. Like we were missing a piece of it’s soul. I just couldn’t shake the thought that we absolutely needed two kittens.

Of course, I know you don’t need to wish for kittens. You can go to almost any animal shelter at any time and just pick up two kittens. But the idea of just getting two kittens, when I already had another 16-year-old cat at home, not to mention two full human children, ages 2 and 5, who were already more than I could handle, seemed a little silly. It seemed like maybe I needed the troll to just bestow them upon me, like maybe I could find two kittens in the woods or something and have no choice but to keep them.

In any case, the troll did not bestow this upon me, so instead, I did the crazy thing and simply went and adopted two kittens. My children were ecstatic. My 16-year-old cat was not pleased. My husband was very accommodating, but clearly thought I was being insane. But within a month of my troll wish, Ichabod and Ivy, 10 week old kittens, came to be part of our family and now that we’ve had them for about two months, I cannot recommend anything more than getting two kittens if you have young kids. Specifically, two kittens, not just one. Kids and kittens are actually the perfect mix, it turns out.

When I told people I was pregnant with my son and when we bought a house, people often asked the exact same question, “aw, are you going to get a dog?” as if both children and a house required one. But the answer is no. I am not going to get a dog. I will probably never get a dog, to be completely honest, at least not while I have kids living at home. Not because I don’t like dogs. I love dogs. But the truth is, in my heart, I am a cat person and if you have kids, you should be, too. And you should get two kittens.

The first benefit of kittens is they are cute. And soft. But the real benefit of kittens is they are easy. Dog owners who have never had a cat would be shocked to learn they come pre-programmed to use the litter box, no training required. They don’t need to be walked, crate-trained, or really anything. You basically just plop them down in your house, give them some food and water and clean their litter box and that’s it.

But the most important part of getting two kittens, again specifically two kittens, not one, is it’s the best parenting hack I’ve found.

And if you have two kids, all four of them play together, all day, every day, so neither the kids nor the kittens need to be entertained. This is the kind of thing most parents can only dream about. I have been able to make full dinners while my children and kittens entertain each other. I’ve folded laundry. I’ve made beds and picked up toys, all while the four young ones wrestle around the living room. What once seemed like an insanely chaotic idea has actually brought more peace to our home. At least for me. RIP to most of my curtains, though.

The first few weeks did involve a learning curve, especially for the two year old, who was fond of picking them up by one arm like a stuffed toy, until a panicked adult rushed over and saved whichever kitten was about to be dismembered. But luckily, kittens are made mostly of what appears to be silly putty, and aren’t easily hurt, so as long as you spend time teaching your kids how to properly hold them and pet them and that their tails are connected to their heads by their spine and if you pull them too hard their heads will pop into their rib cage like a jack in the box being stuffed back in, they’ll be okay.

Now, you might be wondering, but haven’t they destroyed a lot of stuff in your house? Yes! They’ve knocked over house plants and picture frames and they broke my favorite glass tumbler, but is that really any worse than what the kids were already doing? No. I barely notice the extra mess. And plus, unlike the children, when they’re being really annoying, I can lock them in the playroom with food and water for a few hours.

The best part is how deeply we all love the kittens. After my kids go to bed, I can’t wait to lie on my bed and play fetch with them with the hair ties they bring me. My 5 year old leaves his bedroom door open at night so they can come cuddle with him in bed. He buries his face in their fur and whispers that he loves them. My 2 year old carries them around and puts them in her stroller, rocking them gently while they purr. Watching my kids fall in love with animals has been a profound part of parenting for me. These are their childhood cats.

So to answer everyone’s question: no, we will not be getting a dog. I’m sure dogs are great, too, but I can’t think of anything more perfect for our family than two new kittens. Thank you, Troll.