I generally don't say anything to new parents, though I often feel like offering a few words of encouragement. I like your suggestion. "You're doing great." Simple as that. I can imagine a few times in my parenting life when those words would've helped.
Love the wisdom in this post! As a frazzled at-home dad out in public with my young kids years ago, I never really understood the well-intentioned but irritating "you'll miss this" comments during their tantrums. (Even worse were the "just wait until they're teens" comments--doubly unhelpful!) Today when I see a frazzled younger parent enduring a tantrum I sometimes mumble "it gets easier" but I think I like your line better. "You're doing great" helps everyone stay in the moment, breathe, and feel understood, so thanks for the tip!
'Just wait until they're teens' deserves it's own post. I found the teen years to be utterly glorious. (Not without challenges, to be sure, but still, my favorite parenting era by a long shot.)
I actually recall the time someone told me 'you're doing great.' It was exactly what I needed to hear in the moment with my sobbing, screaming toddler and the tears running down my own face.
Agreed! One time when I was frustrated with my young kids a mother of teens said "little kids, little problems. Big kids, big problems." What?! Talk about unhelpful for both the present and future. And yes, the stereotype about how terrible it is to parent teens is unfair. Surely those years have their own unique challenges, but the stigma is not helpful.
If I miss endless potty training or meltdowns at Target, something has gone horribly wrong. I just assume the people who say this shit have lost custody of their kids.
Beautifully written and I love your takeaway. I feel the same way--that when I'm someday longing for the sweetness of my littles and reminded by parents in the wild, I want to be mindful about my interactions and not project that on other (younger/newer) parents. A "You've got this" or "This too shall pass" if it's a challenging moment. A "how can I help?" if it's appropriate. Committed to not invalidating what parents are going through in the very hard moments with littles that do define the experience as much as the sweet ones.
Related, perhaps tangentially--after searching online for tantrum management strategies (because we've got a tropical cyclone of a 2-year-old), I started getting these horrible ads on social media recently for parenting apps that are like "Do you feel like crying or running when your child throws a tantrum? Do you seek alone time away from your kid? Do you feel overwhelmed a lot? Do you want to stop being an ABUSIVE parent?" (EEP??!?! Feeling overwhelmed and seeking recharge = abusive??? Wtf??! - Have you seen these awful ads, too?). Anyway, it all feels toxic in the same way as the middle aged lady in the store--this pressure on new parents that they're supposed to like, always enjoy or calmly weather very overstimulating aspects of parenthood, and that they're somehow deficient if they can't instead savor every bit of it. I hates it.
I generally don't say anything to new parents, though I often feel like offering a few words of encouragement. I like your suggestion. "You're doing great." Simple as that. I can imagine a few times in my parenting life when those words would've helped.
Good advice for us grandparents to just smile and encourage, without giving unsolicited advice, whenever we can.
Love the wisdom in this post! As a frazzled at-home dad out in public with my young kids years ago, I never really understood the well-intentioned but irritating "you'll miss this" comments during their tantrums. (Even worse were the "just wait until they're teens" comments--doubly unhelpful!) Today when I see a frazzled younger parent enduring a tantrum I sometimes mumble "it gets easier" but I think I like your line better. "You're doing great" helps everyone stay in the moment, breathe, and feel understood, so thanks for the tip!
'Just wait until they're teens' deserves it's own post. I found the teen years to be utterly glorious. (Not without challenges, to be sure, but still, my favorite parenting era by a long shot.)
I actually recall the time someone told me 'you're doing great.' It was exactly what I needed to hear in the moment with my sobbing, screaming toddler and the tears running down my own face.
Agreed! One time when I was frustrated with my young kids a mother of teens said "little kids, little problems. Big kids, big problems." What?! Talk about unhelpful for both the present and future. And yes, the stereotype about how terrible it is to parent teens is unfair. Surely those years have their own unique challenges, but the stigma is not helpful.
If I miss endless potty training or meltdowns at Target, something has gone horribly wrong. I just assume the people who say this shit have lost custody of their kids.
Beautifully written and I love your takeaway. I feel the same way--that when I'm someday longing for the sweetness of my littles and reminded by parents in the wild, I want to be mindful about my interactions and not project that on other (younger/newer) parents. A "You've got this" or "This too shall pass" if it's a challenging moment. A "how can I help?" if it's appropriate. Committed to not invalidating what parents are going through in the very hard moments with littles that do define the experience as much as the sweet ones.
Related, perhaps tangentially--after searching online for tantrum management strategies (because we've got a tropical cyclone of a 2-year-old), I started getting these horrible ads on social media recently for parenting apps that are like "Do you feel like crying or running when your child throws a tantrum? Do you seek alone time away from your kid? Do you feel overwhelmed a lot? Do you want to stop being an ABUSIVE parent?" (EEP??!?! Feeling overwhelmed and seeking recharge = abusive??? Wtf??! - Have you seen these awful ads, too?). Anyway, it all feels toxic in the same way as the middle aged lady in the store--this pressure on new parents that they're supposed to like, always enjoy or calmly weather very overstimulating aspects of parenthood, and that they're somehow deficient if they can't instead savor every bit of it. I hates it.