Control Your Child's Behavior, But Not Like That

Hey mama, you have NOT got this.

Photo by Garrett Jackson on Unsplash

A follow-up to this holiday piece.

Hey mama, looks like we’re having a little bit of a meltdown over here. Have you tried some deep breathing with your kiddo? How about you sit down with them and help them co-regulate. Not over there, though, you’re disturbing other people. Remember that your child shouldn’t be disruptive in a public place—the world doesn’t revolve around them and their needs! Obviously don’t say that to your child, though. An offhand remark like that could create a wound that EMDR can never heal.

Whoa, okay, we’re not going to touch things in this store, friend! We’re going to keep our hands to ourselves. Mama, have you ever heard of saying no? Don’t say it too much, of course, that’s not supportive or nurturing. Consider guiding your kiddo’s consciousness to a different activity, through the power of your own calm demeanor. Definitely do not force your child to sit and stay buckled into the shopping cart! That is restraint, which is essentially abuse. Educate yourself.

You know, when I was that age, I obeyed my mother without question. Her word was law! I wouldn’t dream of acting like an entitled brat the way kids these days do. All my mother had to do was LOOK at me and I snapped to attention. Your children simply don’t know who’s boss. Be firm! Stop trying to be your child’s friend.

Okay, leading with fear is never the answer, so I’m really concerned that you’re telling your little one not to run into traffic because they might get killed. You are the parent and it’s your responsibility to hold onto them and keep them from running! Excuse me, is that a LEASH? Do you view your child as an animal who needs to be choked into obedience? Interesting.

Hey, mama, let’s try to move our language to a positivity-based approach! I’m hearing a lot of negativity coming from you and that’s not helpful to our friend’s development. Have you tried reinforcing the behavior you want to see rather than cruelly deriding the behavior you don’t want to see? Don’t say “good job” or “I’m proud of you” though. That puts the focus on you, and nothing is less important in the parent-child relationship than you. Be sure to sign up for my course on how to navigate this crucial relationship—only you can authentically shape your child’s future emotional, mental, spiritual, and digestive health.

Excuse me? EXCUSE ME? Did I hear you tell this precious little bean that they would not get candy after dinner if they hit their sibling again? I can’t believe you would engage with such a regressive and harmful practice as withholding food. Genuinely contemplating a call to CPS right now. Kind of concerning that you’re allowing this child candy at all, however. Red Dye #40 is the leading cause of aggressive behavior in kids this age. Have you considered making healthier choices?

What? You’re considering not bringing your child to this big church service/family dinner/marriage celebration/holiday event? How are they ever going to learn to interact with people if you keep them in your house seeing no one but you all day? Wow, that’s not how we behave in public, friend! You’re at a 10 and I need you to be at a 0. Maybe your mom needs to teach you how to behave at home before you come to an important day like this. Kids really shouldn’t be allowed in restaurants with expensive glassware and frail elderly patrons. If they must be in the restaurant, can’t you entertain them somehow? Not with an iPad—are you insane? When I was their age I was content with half a broken crayon and a dirty Subway napkin, and I was thankful.

Hey there, are we having some trouble sharing? Mama, why on earth would you let our friend here bring their own toy to the park? That’s just asking for a tantrum. You can’t expect other children to not want to touch it. But just so you know, you really do need to give them agency in choosing small stuff like taking toys to the park, because otherwise they will feel smothered by your coercive control. Don’t make them share with other children! Would you like it if some strange adult came up and wanted a drink of your coffee? I didn’t think so. Children are people, in case you didn’t know.

Speaking of which, I don’t think you’d tell your spouse to go sit in their room alone if they were having a bad day. Solitary confinement is NEVER the answer to big feelings. You’ve probably already started a volcano of shame in their impressionable little brain. But you’re the parent—you can’t be a pushover wuss who allows your kid to continue throwing a fit and hurting other people! Get them out of this space right now. Stay with them while they calm down. Stay with your other children at the same time! Answer that work call. Keep dinner from burning. You’ve got this, mama. No, actually you definitely don’t. That’s the smoke alarm. Could you turn that off, please? The level of noise in here right now is overstimulating me.

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